I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
