So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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