from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Let's get the cat blown out
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
