I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
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