you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
