true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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