I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
