My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
