Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So much rum. So many feels.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
