Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Text me some of your sweat
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
