I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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