What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
