his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
