By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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