It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
