We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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