It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
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It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
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Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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