I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
