I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
