I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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