community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It's rum buckets o'clock
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
