I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
