apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
