dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
