im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's rum buckets o'clock
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
