How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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