Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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