My first STD was from a foam party
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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