Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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