I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
