I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
