Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize