Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
