Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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