Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Jerry, you need to find god
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
