why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
