Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
