Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
