he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
