I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
