Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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