Four minutes until I can fart!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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