i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
