i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
