would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
