Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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