Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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