I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
