Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
