he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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