I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
