Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You took a bar mat shot.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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