Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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