My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
