hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
