Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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